I started blogging for myself (ok, so I still blog for myself, since I’m starting to think that anyone that reads my blog are all figments of my imagination). I have journaled in the past, usually when I need to get something out and on paper. Blogging doesn’t quite fill the same niche.
I find myself wanting to post funny shit my kids say and/or do, bragging about those moments when they make me proud, discussing my procrastination tendencies, or bragging about my crafty ideas. And, of course, avoiding anything that makes me look less than perfect.
I didn’t do that with my journals.
Which tells me that I’m blowing sunshine and rainbows up my own ass by saying ‘I blog for myself.’ If I really blogged for myself, there would be many more posts of ‘what the fuck did my mom feed my kids to cause them to bounce that high off the walls’ and ‘how on earth did I give birth to someone so clueless?’
Side note- it wouldn’t have taken me as long to reach 100 posts if I had not avoided the Ugly Times.
I know that I posted about bloggers addressing the not-so-sunny sides of their personalities before, and applauding them.
I don’t want to blow sunshine up anyone’s ass, let alone my own.
Right now, I’m dealing with… something with my nine year old son. This kid- he is amazing. He’s unique (fedoras are his favorite hats, he is the only nine year old I know who can rock a tuxedo tee shirt, he asked for a piano three years straight and now owns TWO (an electric one and an honest to goodness omg I can’t believe it was free piano), and he’s so excited to be learning to play the baritone in school, he loves to read, he and I have a plan to go to Europe JUST to see the Harry Potter sets, and he absolutely loves Domo), and he may be depressed. We know that something is wrong. We just don’t know what it is yet.
You see, every so often, he goes into what can only be described as pure rage. He throws things, slams doors, screams, yells, and can NOT calm down. The last time he raged, he cut his lip bad enough to need stitches.
And he does not remember what he did to cut his lip.
That, alone, is terrifying.
I read blogs about the bright and sunny lives that people are living, and I wonder- what demons are they hiding? For me- I hid a marriage that was in trouble, that may still be in trouble. I hid the problems with my son. Did I ever mention that my eleven year was ‘arrested’ (not really- but close) last summer? I don’t think so.
With the number of bloggers out there who are coming out with their dirty laundry- their depression, their failed or about to fail marriages- maybe the ‘blowing sunshine up my own ass’ trend is at an end. Maybe now we’ll see more bloggers acting like real people, addressing real issues, and giving expertise on things that people really need to hear.
I’m done blowing sunshine up my own ass.