This year, some of my favorite bloggers came out about their depression. Admitting something like depression- and in one blogger’s case, self-harm- takes a ton- a literal TON- of courage. To say ‘my life isn’t perfect’ takes a ton of courage. I started the year off crying myself to sleep every night, because something wasn’t… right in my marriage. Something was wrong, and I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. I had contemplated asking my husband to leave- but I knew that whatever was wrong, could be fixed. He didn’t see things the same way, and on January 14th, he asked for a divorce.
So, basically, I started 2011 miserable. It sucked. It sucked great big hairy donkey balls. But… it got better.
I found the strength inside me to move on. I wrote my heart out in a pen and paper journal, because I couldn’t bare to write my feelings out in public on a blog. I had a hard enough time coming out with those feelings to my husband, when he found that journal and read it.
I barely remember January 14th 2011. I remember standing in the middle of my dining room, crying ‘nononono’ over and over again. I remember spending the day, cleaning and rearranging my room in a fog. I remember- and this I find rather funny, in a sad sort of way, having a conversation with the guy at the DMV. We’re both from the same town, and we were talking about the 2010 tornado that hit our town. I remember him saying that his wife was sitting out on the patio. It’s silly, but we don’t choose our memories.
I didn’t realize how bad I was until after Mike left and I started to heal. I don’t blame him- I really don’t. I started to get on with my life, still holding on to a little bit of hope that things would work out for the better between us, but I looked for a job, I spent time with my kids, I worked out a routine, I found myself again.
I got a job in March. And I fell in love with it. I love my job, I’m good at my job, and I have fun at my job.
In June, I had a date. We’ll leave it at that.
Life has gotten better. I have high hopes for 2012. It hasn’t started off any better than 2011, but I know, based on 2011’s experiences, that no matter what happens, I will survive, it will be okay.